Lots of people worry about what to say to someone after baby loss. Talking to someone about their bereavement can feel daunting and you may worry about saying the wrong thing.
However, many of the bereaved families we support find it harder when those around them avoid the topic altogether, rather than when well-meaning people try. So here’s a phrase book to guide you through some of things you could say to someone after baby loss or child loss.
3 things to say to someone after baby loss
I would like advice on how to support a:
Bereaved acquaintance or work colleague
Talking to a bereaved parent
We don’t always know what to say when someone we know has died. This can be even more apparent when the person who died was a baby or a young child. However, saying nothing can cause additional suffering to the family who are grieving. It can make them feel more isolated and misunderstood in their grief.
So we ask you to be brave. When you speak to a bereaved parent, use their child’s name. Do not worry that it will remind them of their pain – the truth is that love and loss are with them daily, as much a part of them as their breath. Instead, it will remind them that they are not alone, that you remember, that you care.
Yes, they might cry. They might cry tears that they’ve been bottling up inside – love for a child they cannot hold, an intolerable pressure waiting to be released. But then…relief.
We’d also encourage you to contact the parents on important anniversaries and birthdays (yes even many years later). For many bereaved families, the ‘what might have been’ can feel tough. It follows them around like an invisible lead blanket: An empty chair at the table, a missing set of height marks on the door, a card on the mantle place that no one else seems to miss.
Rather than assuming what those parents need, ask them what feels helpful. This may change hourly in the early days, and continue to evolve over time. Keep asking. Find out what they need that day.
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Talking to a bereaved loved one
It’s not just the parents who are impacted when a baby or child dies. That child’s grandparents, nursery staff, step family, aunts and uncles – they will all feel grief because they loved that child. Your loved one needs you, even if you didn’t know the child personally yourself. Here are some things to say to someone after baby loss happened to someone close to them.
Use the child’s name. Mentioning the child’s name won’t suddenly make them feel a sadness that they don’t already feel. What it will do is show them that you remember too, that their feelings matter, and that they are safe to show them to you.
When thinking about what to say to someone after baby loss, it is helpful to listen to how they talk about it. Use the words they use to describe the death. For example, they may say the baby ‘passed away’, they ‘lost’ their baby, or their baby ‘died’. When you are talking with a bereaved loved one, use these same words back to them.
It is also helpful to offer to talk about their little one and share memories. You could ask to see a photo of the much-loved child or ask them to tell you what they were like. Be available to listen as much as you can. It may be difficult for you to hear, so make sure you seek support for yourself if you think this would be helpful. (Our bereavement support helpline is available for this – 0808 802 6868).
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Talking to a bereaved child sibling
It is important for children to be told about the death of their sibling as soon as possible, ideally by someone they are close to. Children have a greater capacity to understand than adults often expect, and are more disturbed by vague explanations or feeling that information is being withheld.
If you have or know a child who has experienced the sudden and unexpected death of their sibling, take the time to really reassure them that they are loved and special. Give them extra attention, especially if the parents are too distressed themselves to give them comfort or attend to their individual needs.
Talk about your emotions and how you feel. It is ok to cry in front of your child as this models healthy expression of emotion. Children will not be frightened by your tears if they know why you cry. It gives them permission to do the same.
As time passes, there will still be points where the grief wells up, particularly around birthdays, Christmas, and other anniversaries. If your child sees you upset, just say something simple like, ‘I’m just remembering [name]. I think they would have loved this too.’ Acknowledging your sadness opens the door for your children to acknowledge their own in the future.
It is also hugely beneficial to ask a child their opinion on matters that impact them. This will help restore a sense of control even amidst all the upheaval of grief and bereavement.
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Talking to a bereaved acquaintance
In some ways it can be even more difficult to know what to say to someone after baby loss when you don’t know them well. You might wonder if it’s your place to say anything, or if it would come across as intrusive.
However, we regularly hear from bereaved family members that the most meaningful support came from the most unexpected of places: the friends they never knew they had, or needed until now; little acts (or big) which showed them that their child is thought of, and that their grief and love matters still – will always matter; moments of thoughtfulness which keep them going, one foot in front of the other, step by step until their road ahead seems less fraught and a little lighter.
So we would encourage you to gently offer your condolences. The bereaved person is probably aware that everyone knows and it can feel hard knowing everyone knows but isn’t speaking about their much-loved child.
Whilst it may not be appropriate to ask too many questions, when you ask what their child’s name was, you are honouring the memory of that child. You are saying that they mattered and that their life was impactful.
And finally, at the most basic level, if you want to know what to say to someone after baby loss, tell them you’re thinking of them.
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